Cold Moon Movie Review
Written by Angry Scholar
Released by Uncork'd Entertainment
Directed by Griff Furst
Written by Griff Furst and Jack Snyder (screenplay) and Michael McDowell (novel)
2016, 92 minutes, Not Rated
Movie released on October 6th, 2017
Christopher Lloyd as James Redfield
Josh Stewart as Nathan Redfield
Frank Whaley as Sheriff Ted Hale
Candy Clark as Evelyn Larkin
Robbie Kay as Ben Redfield
Rachele Brooke Smith as Belinda Hale
Chester Rushing as Jerry Larkin
Sara Catherine Bellamy as Margaret Larkin
Jesus god, why.
Not a good way to start a review, I guess. But JESUS. GOD.
Take everything bad about made-for-TV/lowest-budget indie films, set it in Florida in the late ‘80s, and this is what you get. Review? I don’t need no stinkin’ review! That’s all you get. I SAID. GOOD. DAY. SIR.
No, FINE. So okay, Cold Moon is about a very young woman (“Maaaargaret!! OH MAAAAARGARET!!!”) who gets randomly murdered by a guy wearing a leather trench coat and gimp mask in broad daylight on a bridge somewhere in rural Florida. Much of the rest of the movie is her grandma screaming and her brother trying to figure out what happened, until they too get murdered because reasons. Now all three of them are ghosts haunting the murderer, because OF COURSE THEY ARE.
I’m sorry, this isn’t the way to do a review, I know. I’m just pissed because whoever cut together the trailer for this train wreck made it look like it might actually be good. You’d think that after all this time I’d be immune to that, but apparently I never learn.
You see, MAAAARGARET!!! was apparently pregnant, which is apparently the reason she gets herself a-murdered. Then the murderer feels compelled to kill her family, because they’re onto him. We know from quite early on who the killer is, and none of it is compelling or interesting in the least. It could have been a neat little ghost story, but the writing, directing, and cinematography—i.e., all the components of a goddamned movie—are just utter crap. Candy Clark as Grandma Evelyn gives one of the worst performances in horror memory, just constantly losing her shit (“MAAAAAARRRRRGGGGAAAARRREEETTTTTTT!!!”). Everyone else is banal at best, fake-Matthew McConaughey at worst. The performances are utterly wooden, with terrible South Florida accents. And poor Christopher Lloyd! Why is he even in this?
Seriously, there are too many problems to list. Chief among them (aside from the awful script and terrible acting, anyway) is the audio. Dialogue is at times totally incomprehensible, due in some part to the awful fake accents, but even more to the impossibly awful audio mixing. Background music and ambient noise drowns out speech in key scenes, including a crucial phone call that tips the local sheriff off to the murderer’s identity but is completely unintelligible.
There’s no clear reason why the supernatural stuff happens, other than the vague notion of an unjust death. It gets a little credit for one or two creepy ghost images, such as a Ring-like female ghost pedaling an invisible bicycle through the woods; but none of that is enough to save it, and literally every interesting ghost moment is in the trailer. (There’s some shit with snakes that makes no sense, too, in case that matters to you, you psychopath.) Don’t watch this unless you have an ample supply of wine and friends with whom to mock it.
Oh, shit, yeah. There’s a pointless, dialogue-free cameo by Tommy Wiseau of The Room fame, too, whose presence here is an immediate red flag. Just- just, don’t.