The Watermen DVD Review
Written by Charlotte Stear
DVD released by Chelsea Films
Written and directed by Matt Lockhart
2012, Region 2 (PAL), 96 minutes, Rated 15 (UK)
DVD released on 23 April 2012
Jason Mewes as Trailor
Luke Guldan as Mike
Tara Heston as Diane
Tyler Johnson as Bret
Joy Glass as Lisa
Ashley Myers as Chrissy
A team of fisherman are scouring the seas in order to kill people to make the tastiest bait and unfortunately for a group of six wealthy, spoilt, beautiful people just looking for a weekend of fun, they are the fishermen’s next catch.
There is one main draw to hook people into watching The Watermen and that’s Jason Mewes. Mewes is well known for his work with Kevin Smith, being Jay to his Silent Bob. But has in recent years Mewes has cleaned up his act and is making a name for himself separately to Smith. Getting him on-board will instantly attract a group of people to a film they may have never really gone for in the first place and is generally a great way to create a cool cult film, if done properly.
Annoyingly, it does start off with the promise of a self-aware, amusing B movie but unfortunately it decides to take a different route and goes on to adhere to every possible cliché without a hint of irony; cars not starting when you need them, the bad guys taking multiple bullets but not dying, gratuitous shots of girls kissing and groping each other etc. Elements of The Watermen are so unbelievably trash and unnecessary it really angered me, mainly, the hideous portrayal of women. Within the first 30 seconds there is a massively unnecessary boob shot. Within the first 30 seconds. This is an early hint of where this film is going, and it sinks to unimaginable levels. Every woman in The Watermen is a big boobed, small brained idiot which includes the token girl we are meant to feel sympathy for. Not having a connection to even the “sympathetic” character means it’s hard to care what happens to anyone and you will undoubtedly be left thinking, “Kill them all angry fishermen, see if we care”. But oh, these fishermen what a sight they are; a group of men who speak in a rather inaudible, ridiculous fashion and chop people up to sell as bait. Everything about them is appalling, they are not scary or menacing but vulgar and irritating. Rape scenes are used with no purpose other than to offend and have no reason to be there. If you’re going to use scenes like this they should have some sort of purpose to the movie as a whole, but here it feels like it’s just something that’s been thrown in without much thought. They go way too far and it turns this from a light-hearted horror film into a grim series of events which are so mish-mashed it does not work.
Another major mistake is not using Jason Mewes to his full potential. Chances are, if you are going to watch this film you’re solely doing it for a little bit of Jay action, and for the first 20 minutes or so you may well be entertained by him. This is not to say he is a good actor, he is just being himself which should be entertaining enough. But when the film starts to get in to the darker elements Mewes is dropped and focus shifts to the other pointless characters. This film may have fared better with his character having more to do because realistically, he is the only draw to this film.
There is really nothing much to warrant seeing this film, I laughed once at a scene involving Mewes, a web cam and his balls but really, I’m sure you can Google that and find him doing it in his own time somewhere on the internet.
I’d make some lame joke about this review being like a lighthouse warning you from the perils of the jagged rocks that is The Watermen, but this film doesn’t deserve my highly amusing quips so I will just say this: stay away.
Video, Audio and Special Features:
Video, audio and special features not graded as this was a screener.