The Dinosaur Experiment Movie Review
Written by TGM
DVD released by Phase 4 Films
Directed by Michael Beberashvili and Dan Bishop
Written by Dan Bishop and Shlomo May-Zur
2013, Region 1 (NTSC), 88 minutes, Not Rated
DVD released on May 27th, 2014
Jana Mashonee as Abbi Whitecloud
Lorenzo Lamas as Special Agent Logan
Cody Vaughan as Sheldon Macabeach
Alexandra Hulme as Kolin
Have you ever wondered if there was ever a movie bad enough to be turned down by the programming folks at the SyFy channel? Have you recently suffered from a traumatic brain injury and wished to rehab as you eat trough a tube while watching a movie about dinosaurs with subpar CGI, mediocre acting, and an unintentionally laughable plot? Well then, my friend, you are in luck…
The Dinosaur Experiment revolves around a group of random misfits consisting of the town hottie, a trio of stoner college kids, and a singing pimp with his cadre of ho’s, that all coalesce in the jerkwater town of Fossil Ridge Texas. It’s a nice quiet place to visit if not for the batshit crazy rancher who has taken it upon himself to raise a herd of velociraptors. Of course his little hobby soon runs amok, with the dinosaurs escaping into the streets of middle America. THANKS OBAMA. Hilarity and stupidity ensues! Lumbering dinos, created with stunning PS2 era graphics, begin to wreck havoc on the town devouring idiotic townsfolk with reckless abandon! Unfortunately there isn’t a likable character in the bunch, and they each serve only to further the paper-thin plot, make moronic choices, crack flat jokes, and end up as dino chow.
The trend of bad choices isn't limited to just the character's actions. The Dinosaur Experiment was once titled Raptor Ranch, which is an infinitely better choice. Whomever opted for the name change should be drawn and quartered posthaste. Regardless, you could call this movie Citizen-fucking-Kane and it would still be deemed terrible. Look, folks just need to stop making dinosaur movies if they don't have the budget for quality CG or the words Jurassic Park in the title. Even then, I'd be leery.
Now a word on Lorenzo Lamas' brief, and I mean brief, appearance in The Dinosaur Experiment. While never considered a Hollywood A-lister by any means, Zo must have come on hard times to ever consider attaching his name to this cinematic Hindenburg, yet it is vastly more entertaining to watch the self-loathing in his eyes than it is to pay attention to the actual plot, as he chokes on the clunky dialogue like a parched man with no tongue eating a peanut butter sandwich in the middle of the Gobi desert. In my mind, I picture him looking over an empty bank account statement and an exorbitant bill for something trivial like botox injections or tanning sessions, then agonizing over the choices between selling a kidney or agreeing to be in The Dinosaur Experiment. I also envision him flipping a coin to decide, having it come up "dinosaur movie" then whispering to himself in quiet desperation, "...best two out of three."