School Girl Report, Volume 8: What Parents Must Never Know Movie Review
Written by Ted McCarthy
DVD released by Impulse Pictures
Directed by Ernst Hofbauer
Written by Günther Heller
1974, 88 minutes, Not Rated
DVD released on May 8th, 2012
Wolf Ackva as Wilhelm
Puppa Armbruster as Evi
Sandra Atia as Jutta
The 1974 sexploitation film Schoolgirl Report, Volume 8: What Parents Must Never Know – like Volumes 1-7, I imagine – was like Skinemax for our German-raised parents. You know, like one of those late night Fred Olen Ray (aka Nicholas Medina, depending on the movie) flicks with B-level porn stars “tastefully” banging it out, minus the penetration and money shots. Except this one has more hair…a lot more.
Like any respectable skin flick (with that term being used more loosely than the girls in the film), it doesn’t have a plot so much as a frail skeletal structure on which to hang various softcore sex scenes. The movie’s “story” has something to do with a large group of school girls (older high school girls, mind you…this isn’t some freaky Bangkok import) going on a field trip to some countryside camp or hostel or something. The oversexed girls – who are so interchangeable they honest to God aren’t even worth naming – spend their time on the bus reminiscing to one another about their various erotic escapades. We see all these experiences in flashbacks that involve a simple family gardener, a creepy old sugar daddy, a cute but curmudgeony biology teacher, and a peeping tom, among others.
The acting is…nevermind.
You can lie all you want, but the main reason we all watch/fast forward through these movies is for the sex scenes. Unfortunately, the ones here aren’t anything great. They’re not even erotic so much as comical. T&A and moaning and gyrating and thrusting are all hot and great to watch (if you’re into that, which you are), but the addition of goofy sound effects undoes it all. I mean really, who can maintain any state of arousal when we hear a BOING! followed by a guy looking wide-eyed down at his crotch? And the choppy editing certainly doesn’t help matters.
Grindhouse fans may note a blink-and-you’ll-miss-it appearance by Christina Lindberg, star of the exploitation classic and Tarantino favorite Thriller: A Cruel Picture. Oddly enough this film deals with a different sort of one-eye (boom!).
In this era of rampant and immediately accessible porn, there’s no reason to try to raise a nostalgic stiffy to this or any other Schoolgirl Report. Come to think of it, assuming these girls are only in high school, it would mathematically stand to reason that the past experiences they describe may have taken place when they were underage, in which case…ugh, I need a shower.
Video, Audio and Special Features:
Video, audio and special features will not be graded as this was a screener.