Mega Shark Vs Crocosaurus DVD Review
Directed by Christopher Ray
Written by Naomi L. Selfman and Micho Rutare
2010, Region 2 (PAL), 88 minutes, Rated 12 (UK)
DVD released on July 18th 2011
Gary Stretch as Nigel Putnam
Jaleel White as Dr. Terry McCormick
Sarah Lieving as Agent Hutchinson
Robert Picardo as Admiral Calvin
Gerald Webb as Jean
Dylan Vox as CWO Butowski
Hannah Cowley as Legatt
Someone make it stop please, it really isn’t funny anymore. Come to think of it, it was never funny in the first place. I’m talking, of course, about those bloody massive mutant creature movies, one of which landed on my review pile recently. It did cause minor excitement with my nine-year old son Ryan, as it’s rated 12 in the UK (roughly equivalent of PG-13 in the USA) and I give him the leeway to watch films up to this level. So, for the first time in my HorrorTalk career, I sat down to watch a review disc with my boy. What a lousy way to introduce him to the wonders of cult movies.
Mega Shark Vs Crocosaurus contains all the ingredients of a typical Syfy Original, or in this case, an Asylum Unoriginal: a military unit to track the creature, a non-military expert on animal behaviour who has some beef with the unit, a cast of crap actors and a massive beast rendered in piss-poor CGI. Actually, you get two beasts for your money in this one, although neither is going to provide value for that money.
It’s a sequel to Mega Shark Vs Giant Octopus, and the military are under the impression that the titular big-ass shark was destroyed. Within 10 minutes, they’re made aware that’s not the case and they’ve now got to half-heartedly act their way through a sequel. Meanwhile, in a Congo diamond mine, a Crocodile Dundee look-alike is having his own set of problems with a giant croc. Somehow he manages to get it drugged and loaded onto a boat for no apparent reason, other than it would be an ideal way to get it out into the ocean so it can fight with Mega Shark. And guess what? A couple of miles out to sea the croc starts to wake up and the singular puny rope and tarpaulin is no match for its massive strength, so it drops off the boat into the ocean. We’d better hope that Mega Shark isn’t anywhere near, or there might be one huge battle. Oh Christ...
You might think I’m missing the point with this movie, that it can’t possibly be taken seriously. To that I’d say, “No shit, Sherlock”. I have nothing against movies that can’t be taken seriously, nothing against any movie, for that matter, as long as it provides entertainment. And this is where Mega Whatsit Vs Massive Thing productions fail. There’s no entertainment to be derived from watching something that is simply bad. Not ‘so-bad-it’s-good’; just bad. Furthermore, there is a wealth of talent in the independent filmmaking world that would give anything to have the budget that was squandered on this non-entity, or even a shot at the distribution it has received.
Ultimately Mega Shark Vs Crocosaurus is a waste of time, and best summed up by a conversation I had with Ryan after we watched it.
“What was your favourite part of the film, Dad?” he asked me.
“When the credits rolled, son. When the credits rolled.”
Video and Audio:
Yeah, 1.85:1 aspect ratio and the relative luxury of 5.1 audio, but you're not going to buy this as a reference disc are you? Gets the job done and no more.
There's a short reel of bloopers and a behind the scenes feature, both running about the five minute mark. The bloopers are genuinely entertaining and raised more laughs than the entire film, as well as showing that the actors do have both personalities and senses of humour. You'd never guess from the main feature.