Curse of the Dragon Slayer Movie Review
Written by TGM
DVD released by Phase 4 Films
Directed by John Lyde
Written by Jason Faller and Kynan Griffin
2013, 105 minutes, Not Rated
Blu-ray/DVD combo released on June 10th, 2014
Danielle Chuchran as Nemyt Akaia
Richard McWilliams as Keltus the Wanderer
Paul D. Hunt as Kullimon the Black
For a movie entitled Curse of the Dragon Slayer there is a rather disappointing lack of dragons, but I guess Curse Of The Guy Who Looks Just Like the Guy Who Greeted Me in the Parking Lot of Medieval Times was a bit too long-winded. While the dragons are scarce, what there is en masse is a ragtag ensemble of Middle Earth cosplayers gleefully enacting the world's most ridiculously heavy-handed fan-fiction written by an obsessed Game of Thrones fanatic. George RR Martin best sleep with one eye open to protect those chubby ankles from an unexpected and unwarranted hobbling.
The story is a bit tired, sounding almost like the beginning of a bad joke: a human cleric, an orc, and a possessed elf walk into a bar, I mean, begin a quest to stop a dragon! They are three mortal enemies that must put aside their preconceived biases and band together to fight a greater foe! When something vaguely resembling a dragon finally does show up at the climax of the movie, its appearance is saddled with the very same problem that has plagued low budget filmmakers for decades, that being the curse of cheap CGI. The main antagonist of the film might as well have been played by one of those inflatable wiggling balloon guys that flap about in the wind at openings of used car emporiums. The fierce dragon king whose arrival has been feared throughout the course of the entire film is then subsequently dispatched with great ease. I've had bowel movements that have given me more difficulty.
Now, Curse of the Dragon Slayer is not all bad. In fact, there are many aspects of the production that I found to be most impressive. First, the movie looks way better than it ought to. Whoever did the location scouting should be commended as there's some truly breathtaking scenery that our LARPers get to frolic in. Secondly, the make-up effects are much better than expected. I joke about Curse of the Dragon Slayer being a poor man's The Lord of the Rings ripoff, but it's not because of the fantastic orc make-up. Many of these cats could have easily stepped out of this C-list movie and marched directly onto the set of The Two Towers without missing a beat. Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, right?
There's also a super-hot blonde playing the elven warrior. Think the love child of Lauren Cohen from The Walking Dead and a vulcan. I haven't been this sexually attracted to a blonde elf since pleasuring myself to pictures of that hot chick who played Legolas. The soundtrack is also above par, and appropriately reverent to the genre, with enough Gregorian chant infused lute playing to satisfy the most devout King Richard's Faire roadie.
Curse of the Dragon Slayer is clearly a labor of love. Those involved obviously took their time, and put their hearts and souls into this feature, and if you can tolerate clunky dialogue like, “The Shadow Agent has the ashes of Amencairn, and the blood of Gothazul. He took the canteen I collected from the bleeding stone. When they are mixed together at the entrance to the underworld they will raise an avatar of Gothazul Lord of the Dead,” then this might be a movie worth your time.