Bikini Girls on Ice Blu-ray Review
Written by TGM
Blu-ray released by Well Go USA
Directed by Geoff Klein
Written by Geoff Klein & Jeff Ross
2009, Region A, 82 minutes, Not Rated
Blu-ray released on August 9th, 2011
Cindel Chartrand as Jenna
Danielle Doetsch as Sam
William Jarand as Moe
Suzi Lorraine as Kelly
Christina Sciortino as Lena
Caroline Faille as Brooke
Rick Gader as Black
Kerri Taylor as Nikki
Ivan Peric as Tommy
Bikini Girls on Ice, with its fantastically tantalizing title reminiscent of something a fourteen year old might create while playing Mad Libs, fails to deliver on the promise of awesomeness that such a brazen title demands.
The premise is quite simple; a crazed stringy-haired mechanic, who looks exactly like the bully from Three O’Clock High, systematically knocks off a horde of bikini clad girls who had the misfortune of their bus breaking down in front of the wrong gas station while en route to a fund-rising bikini car wash. In fact, you will enjoy this movie much more if you do indeed treat it like the natural evolution of the antisocial character Buddy Revell from the aforementioned ‘80s teen dramedy.
So what exactly does Bikini Girls on Ice get right? Well, there are plenty of girls in bikinis… and some of them are actually quite attractive. Oh, and there’s ice… so, uh, yeah. There is also a somewhat creepy scene where the antagonist showcases a row of his bloody bikini tops like morbid trophies. This reveal could have been so much more effective and chilling if he had an entire room full of swimsuits, with representative fashion styles from multiple decades that subtly establish the duration of his depravity, not just those measly handful obtained from his latest batch of victims. I was also quite fond of a nice scene where director Geoff Klein opts to zoom in primarily on the eyes of his main protagonist as she attempts to drive away from her attacker. This particular static shot lasts for an uncomfortably long time, but ultimately ends up being one of the most eerie and unexpectedly compelling scenes in the film.
So, what exactly does Bikini Girls on Ice get wrong? Just about everything else. I won’t bore you with the details surrounding the myriad of truly idiotic and clichéd mistakes these folks make while trying to escape. Unfortunately, moronic choices are almost a given nowadays. The most egregious problem with this movie is the fact that all but one of the deaths occur just out of frame. There’s only so many times you can see a lumbering hulk come up behind someone, knock them to the ground, raise a hammer high above his head, then swing it down out of view into what one must presume is the skull of his victim, with only a quick squirt of blood sprayed up onto a nearby wall to signify a kill. Sure, it’s a low budget production, but you’ve simply got to give the audience more. And not that it’s always a necessity in horror films, but with a title like Bikini Girls on Ice there is a shocking lack of nudity found within. A quick shot of boob when one of the more slutty coeds is dry-humping a customer is the most skin you’ll see. There is a certain expectation with a title such as this, one that unfortunately never materializes.
Bikini Girls on Ice is a mediocre mishmash that fumbles from the start. It’s not gory enough to be torture porn, not intelligent enough to be satire, not goofy enough to be camp, not tawdry enough to be true exploitation, and just not good enough to wholeheartedly recommend.
Video and Audio:
The audio is in Dolby 5.1 surround and from time to time you will get a few decent jolts from the rear speakers. Bikini Girls on Ice won’t be the demo disc you reach for to show off your fancy speaker system, but the surrounds are not completely ignored, which is always a nice bonus when watching low budget films.
The video on the other hand, despite being on Bluray, is simply atrocious. While the daylight scenes are crisp and bright, more than half of the movie takes place at night, or inside dimly lit buildings, and therefore you are subject to some of the worst artifacting this side of the Zapruder film. The majority of time, the actors are so washed out and pixilated that you’d think that the night shots were taken with a cellphone camera circa 1995, held by an epileptic, whose lens was smeared with Vaseline.
Deleted scenes, a blooper real, behind-the-scenes footage, and an audio commentary track won't be enough to make up for the subpar feature itself.