Welcome to the 3rd Edition of the irregular "The Top 10 Horror Movies on Amazon Prime for Free That I Would Watch Before I'd Watch Rob Zombie's Halloween" column.
Third column! That's more than I thought I'd get to, but Amazon keeps adding more and more free movies to Prime. Sure, there's a lot of shit on there, not even counting Rob Zombie movies, but some good stuff too!
Anyway! On to the flicks!
This list is mostly going to spotlight a lot of B-movie, super low-budget movies, so if you don't like that kind of movie then you're not going to want to watch these. For everybody else, give them a shot.
If you aren't a member of Amazon Prime, you can sign up for a FREE 30 day trial by clicking here. -Ed.
One of the Blumhouse movies that never got a theatrical release even though it's better than some of the ones that did. (Ouija, I'm looking at you). Also of note, it looks like that new movie Nerve pretty much stole its premise...
Have you ever wanted to see a man finger-bang a hole in the wall and then actually have sex with that hole? What am I saying, of course you have. Well, this movie's got that. It's like a David Cronenberg movie that makes sense, or maybe something a slightly-less drugged up Spike Jonze might come up with.
Four years before he'd go on to direct Blade, Stephen Norrington did this 1994 flick that's a weird mix of Robocop/Terminator/Hardware, and looks like something you'd have found on VHS in the '80s. But it has Brad Dourif, and 24-year-old Rachel Weisz's first movie role. It also features a secret organization working on something called "The Hard Man Project" without even a single snicker from anybody in the conference room. Fans of robot-goes-amok will enjoy this. Not the Short Circuit kind of amok either.
While we're at it, how did I not know that Porkins from the original Star Wars was also Lt. Eckhart from Tim Burton's Batman? He's in this movie playing a character subtly named John Carpenter. The actor's actually dead now, but IMDB doesn't seem to know it.
I guess what I'm saying is if you want to take a long spiral into IMDB, then check out this movie.
What's the opposite of feel-good movie? This. A Troma flick from 1986, and this is the director's cut. It's been a long time since I saw the original, so I'm not sure what's different, but it's every bit as bleak.
So you want to watch an Ethan Embry movie, but you've seen Can't Hardly Wait 1000 times. No? Just me? Okay, well maybe you like Chopping Mall but you wish it had fewer Killbots and a little Lawnmower Man thrown in. Then have we got a movie for you! Good '80s sort of horror (even though it was from 1995). PS: Yes, that is William H. Macy's voice as the Evolver.
I honestly didn't know Sharlto Copely got roles outside of Neill Blomkamp movies, but here's one. He's a guy who wakes up in a mass grave with no idea how he got there, and he's on a mission to figure out what's up. It has some good acting and nice cinematography, some tense moments, and the ending even manages to explain it all satifactorily.
This was one of those cheesy horror movies that came out from Wizard Video back in 1986. It's about some ladies who are raped by things from out of this world. It's bad, but fun bad (the creature suit in particular is AMA-ZING, and you can have fun spotting all the gaffs, like when the creature rips the top off the girl's dress in the beginning, then he carries her away, the shirt now completely intact. Also, where else can you see a hot woman inexplicably take off all her clothes and do a complicated, erotic stretch routine, followed by a guy who suddenly tears himself apart into bloody pieces. And it's short – if you take away the credits this movie is like 70 minutes...
I'm going to tell you a secret: Even though there's been like 20 of these movies, I've never seen any of them. I know this flick has a pretty hardcore following, so when I saw it in the list, I decided to check it out. And hey, it's fun. It has good gore – which you'd expect since Robert Kurtzman of KNB Effects directed it – but it also has a ton of cool cameos from Ted Raimi to Kane Hodder to Robert Englund (who actually has a decent-sized role) and more.
Hillbilly Horror Show Volume 4
Why is this the only volume on Prime? No idea. But if you like anthology horror then you might want to check this out. The "redneck" hosts are pretty terrible (and appear to be reading their lines), but the individual stories are pretty entertaining if you don't mind heaping doses of comedy with your horror.
If you haven't been reading my column, then you don't know that the tenth movie is always a movie I haven't seen, but with a great title. It doesn't matter that at this point they're just putting any word with shark and making a movie about it. I'd still watch it before Zombolleen. I just can't believe they didn't call it Sharkxorcist.
See you next time!
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RJ MacReady digs horror movies, even though his first memory of horror films is watching the first Friday the 13th movie while a bear mauled his family in the other room. He admits that most of his bio is as fake as his moniker, but witness protection won't let him use his real name.