Stonados Movie Review
Written by Jersey John
DVD released by Arc Entertainment
Directed by Jason Bourque
Written by Rafael Jordan
2013, 88 minutes, Not Rated
DVD released on January 28th, 2014
Paul Johansson as Joe
Sebastian Spence as Lee
Miranda Frigon as Maddy
Thea Gill as Tara Laykin
Let me just preface this review with the fact that I'm more angry with Stonados than anything else. I usually try to find some redeeming factor in everything that I have the pleasure to sit down with. It's a fact that not every cinematic creation can be mind blowing or visually amazing. Finding the independent and low budget gems that still have heart is fulfilling and I'll never get tired of experiencing them. However, watching Jason Bourque and Rafael Jordan as a directing and writing team makes me want to pierce the palms of my hands to my eyes.
Stonados takes place in Boston, where a really pissed off series of tornadoes has taken to sucking up rocks out of the harbor and hurling them about the city, killing anyone who was unfortunate enough to be cast as an extra or weak supporting role in this cringe-fest. Everything starts when a tourist group is visiting Plymouth Rock. Dialogue goes as far as complaining about the size of the rock. That is until it's launched across the city and landing in the midst of traffic. Enter Joe Randall, a former storm chaser, and his old friend-turned-weatherman Lee, who automatically know that an overabundance of volcanic ash in the atmosphere above Boston is the cause for the super storms. They also somehow predicted an F5 tornado an entire day in advance, which isn't humanly possible. With innocent bystanders being crushed by flying boulders (that also happen to explode for no goddamn reason), Joe must search for his shitty kids who won't just stay home while all hell is breaking loose. Will they stop the storm in time or will all perish while Mother Nature destroys all in her path? I really wish it was the latter.
Stonados is plagued with everything that you'd expect from a movie called Stonados: horrible acting, painfully awful CGI and so much bad dialogue, you wonder what homeless shelter they found the lead roles in to play such dumb characters. Sure, you can defend something like this as just another Syfy Channel made for TV disaster film, but there is a reason behind much of my disdain. Stonados isn't shot or produced like a low budget movie. There was actual time and effort put into something that ended up being this infuriating to watch. Projects like this do a great disservice to those independent filmmakers (directors, writers, actors, etc.) struggling to afford a studio or high-end equipment. Instead of Syfy hiring new and upcoming stars to helm independent projects, they constantly create the next Sharknado spin-off that will serve more use filling in potholes on the freeway than being distributed to the public.
It actually hurts me to say that nothing was enjoyable about experiencing Stonados. It happened to be so bad that it wouldn't even be one of those go to movies that you get high and watch with your friends. You'd be better off pretending that you never saw it and erase it from your memory banks, just to make sure someone doesn't get just a little bit of curiosity and try and watch it. Unfortunately even if we try to ignore films such as these, there will always be someone out there willing to throw time, effort and money into the fire for little to no aesthetic reward. Now if you'll excuse me, I'll be somewhere watching The Human Centipede at twice the speed, set to ragtime music to cleanse my visual palette.
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