Carl's 5-Minute Horror Reviews

[dragonmanes]

lol exactly, that and I simply cant rate Experimental films, its impossible, if it was rated strictly on originality and concept, it would rate a 10, but if the average horror fan that is used to a strict canon of Friday the 13th and A Nightmare on Elm Street sequels picked the film up, they would snap the disc in half and go play WoW. Films like Tetsuo and Eraserhead defy classification and rating, since there is no single point to focus and comment on. Does it lose points for being non-linear and for some of the over the top acting? I just dont know, havent gotten to that level as a reviewer where I can solidly rate these kinds of films, that and I have only seen it a single time so I havent come to a final decision myself.

Visiting Hours (1982): Above average 80s slasher with Michael Ironside in one of his best performances as a deranged killer. A journalist with an anti-violence agenda is attacked by a psychopath and sent to the hospital, where he continues to stalk her down its dark halls. Ironside is revealed very early in the picture, and much of the run time is spent exploring his character. This look into the villains psyche is something new and original for the time, and works well with the film. The biggest problem is that there are three leads competing for screen time, so the audience has no one identifiable character, leaving them identifying with the killer for much of the film and forgetting about the protagonist. Very suspenseful, with several nerve-wracking chase scenes and subtle nuances by Ironside that set this film apart, recommended! 7/10.

[dragonmanes]

The Children (1980): Basically the best movie ever made, if you have a liberal interpretation of the word best that also encompasses worst. A busload of children are turned into radioactive mutants by a chemical cloud, after which they return home and burn anyone that comes in contact with them to death. Formulaic and unnecessary, with the little action peaking whenever someone hugs the jacked up kids. Somehow, Harry Manfredini got signed for the music, but every cue is stolen directly from F13th. A big pass on this one, lame killer kids flick that doesnt deliver. Rating: 4/10.

Death Weekend (1978): An ok rape-revenge flick that just feels like too little too late in the wake of LHotL and Night Train Murders. The structure is most similar to I Spit on Your Grave, with a couple pissing off a group of hicks, only to have them kill the man and rape the woman, then have her escape and seek revenge. It will interest fans of the similarly themed films, but the violence, action, and gore are all much milder this time around. The characters are much less comical, but there is nothing to really set the film apart in a time when a films worth was rated on the level of sleaze. Worth checking out, but low priority. Rating: 6/10.

[dragonmanes]

The Last Man on Earth (1968): Excellent Matheson adaptation starring Vincent Price as the last survivor of a devastating plague that must destroy the plague-ridden vampires by day. The barren city streets and locations make for excellent settings, and the nocturnal ghouls are extremely creepy, yet subtle. The reversal of the vampire mythos is also a welcome deviation. Compared to other horror entries of the time, this is a great late 60s horror entry, and though Price can be campy at times, he and each of the other actors do the story justice. This version of Matheson's timeless plot comes highly recommended for classics fans! 8/10.

[shiki-jitsu]

lol exactly, that and I simply cant rate Experimental films, its impossible, if it was rated strictly on originality and concept, it would rate a 10, but if the average horror fan that is used to a strict canon of Friday the 13th and A Nightmare on Elm Street sequels picked the film up, they would snap the disc in half and go play WoW. Films like Tetsuo and Eraserhead defy classification and rating, since there is no single point to focus and comment on. Does it lose points for being non-linear and for some of the over the top acting? I just dont know, havent gotten to that level as a reviewer where I can solidly rate these kinds of films, that and I have only seen it a single time so I havent come to a final decision myself.

I can see where you are coming from, but people read your reviews and they come to know your taste (or atleast think they know your taste) and should know or at the very least have a good idea as to how they would view the movie based on the comparison of their likes/dislikes to yours. Review and rate how the film came off to you, fuck the readers of your reviews. Don't review something with them in mind.

[dragonmanes]

Thats why I am putting off the rating until the second viewing, I still dont even know how I feel about the film. It took three viewings of Eraserhead before I knew that I solidly enjoyed it and I was just mystified by its existence. I only bring the reader into mind knowing that films like this I consider to be extreme horror that does not suit all tastes, but once I have some time to digest the film I will definitely reproach it!

Flight of the Living Dead (2007): Retitled "The Flight Where Nothing Happens For An Hour, Then Zombies Break Out Only Its A Terrible CG Fest With Trash Acting And Dialogue, Adding Nothing To The Genre." Not much more can be said, the film is chocked full of washed up actors, contains tons of logical errors, and the CG effects rival those of any made for SciFi movie. God damn the director for making it sound interesting at the convention, I want my $.33 back from Amazon!! 3/10.

I Eat Your Skin (1964): A writer and his crew are stranded on an island inhabited by a crazed doctor and a tribe of locals that are immersed in voodoo, and it isnt long before zombies begin attacking the newcomers. Standard 60s horror with awful makeup and effects, however there is some unexpected gore (primarily a beheading via machete) and overt sexuality interspersed with drab dialogue and cheesy zombies. For B-movie fun, this will kill some time, but it is easily passable. 4/10.

Medusa (1973): An endurance trial involving a brother and sister that are set to inherit a forture along with other benefitiaries, when the others begin dropping off at the hands of a mysterious killer. Throw in a mafia debt, slow pacing, and bland acting, stir, taste, then throw away. The only thing going through my mind the entire film was "At least I only paid $.16 to watch this, the electricity it cost me to run the TV and DVD player was probably more expensive." Lets go with.. Pass. 3/10.

Nightmare Detective (2006): Visually I really enjoyed the film, with some very interesting effects and concepts playing off of the nightmare theme. The stylism emplored by Tsukamoto gives it a very cinematic and finished look, and thematically he takes a bold move and uses dream logic, where anything can happen and sets / characters will randomly change like in a real nightmare. The only hinderance is that the nightmares were interspersed with drawn out detective work that killed the pacing of the film, much like in H. It is a step in the right direction for J-Horror, moving away from a strict diet of ghosts, ghosts, and ghosts. I did enjoy it more on the second watch through. A detective enlists the help of a psychic that can enter people's dreams to catch a serial killer. Worth checking out! 8/10.

[dragonmanes]

The Howling (1981): Set in the isolated Colony in the mountains, a young newscaster leaves the city after a brush with a serial killer that has been obsessed with having a heart to heart with her. Not long after being there, she comes to find that there is more to her new neighbors than meets the eye, and finds herself trapped by a secluded community of werewolves. To add to the suspense, the killer has gone missing, and files from the retreat prove that he once lived in the same village she now finds herself in. The Howling offers a unique plot line, interesting characters, an extremely creepy atmosphere set by a foreboding forest and fog effects, ground-breaking special effects, and pissed off werewolves. This isn't your daddy's Wolfman; the creatures in this film shred their victims with razor claws and teeth on screen, rather than choking them or alluding to the action off camera. The use of bladders and an array of other brand new effects are implored to create one of the first physical on screen transformations with few cuts, lending credibility to both the makeup and the effectiveness of the creatures. From start to finish, the film is dark and pessimistic, never offering a moment of relief to any of the characters. This succeeds in maintaining the sinister mood, but also makes it more difficult to relate to the protagonists, who are constantly in a state of fear, dread, or panic. It sets itself apart from any other werewolf film before or since, and though I prefer Landis' American Werewolf in London, this is a staple genre film and a must-see for any horror fan! 9/10.

Howling 2 (1985): Defines 'Terrible Sequel,' but even that doesn't do it justice. Howling 2 is a gem in the fact that it defies logic, mystifies the senses, and completely destroys any chance of establishing The Howling as a serious and artful horror anthology. Rather, we get a porno mocked-up as a horror film with a non-linear (if existent) plot and Christopher Lee in his worst role ever. If you can make Christopher Lee look bad, geez. Karen's brother Ben returns to the old country in an attempt to exact revenge for his sister by destroying Stirba, Queen of the Werewolves, who hosts werewolf orgies set to terrible New Wave in her castle. Despite all of this, it is a must see for all genre fans, since it is literally unbelievable after watching the original. Philippe Mora would go on to direct such classics as Howling 3. 4/10.

Metamorphosis (1990): The film makes a valid effort to be a decent zero budget take on The Fly, but it just doesnt make the mark. It enlists a professor who is working to discover the human genome and becomes the hero villain after running tests on himself as the first human subject, thereby transforming him into a scaly beast. The acting is bearable, but the lengthy exposition is inversely porportionate to the amount of action, and the plot is too derivative of Cronenberg's infinitely superior film. The final rubber monster reveal also destroys what little suspended disbelief the film developed and cheapens the effect. Almost worth watching, but not. 4/10.

A Bell From Hell (1973): A man with a weighty inheritance is released from a mental institute, only to have his aunt and family attempt to drive him mad to usurp his fortune. But they dont know that he wants revenge for them institutionalizing him.. The film crawls to the hour mark, establishing nothing but unlikeable characters and no identifiable hero, then picks up with the revenge theme in the final third. No blood, flacid revenge, and very little bell or hell action (none to be exact). This film is better left forgotten in public domain purgatory. 4/10.

[dragonmanes]

Dementia 13 (1963): A sleek slasher owing much to the success of Psycho, but establishing itself through above average acting, atmospheric settings, and brutal violence. A woman attempts to seize her husbands inheritance by pretending he is away on business and visiting his family back in Ireland after his death. Shortly thereafter, inhabitants of the family castle begin dropping off at the hands of a deranged killer. With several vicious axe attacks both on screen and implied, this is definitely one of the harsher black and white classics, but the story does not fall secondary to the bloodshed, and Coppola delivers a stylish film with a solid foundation and a good (if not expected) ending. Rating: 7/10.

Four Flies on Grey Velvet (1971): A misstep for Argento prior to his horror opus Deep Red that offers some of his suspenseful creativity through music, camera placements, and signature plot reveals, but fails to live up to his gialli made both before and after. A drummer is caught up in a series of murders after being framed by a masked assailant with a grudge. On top of the awkward humor and characters, the film just isnt overly interesting and doesnt introduce anything unique enough to set it apart in the peak gialli era. It is worth checking out for Argento and gialli completists, but it is not an exemplar of his work. Rating: 7/10.

[dragonmanes]

Howling 3 (1987): Another genuinely awful sequel, but there is some strange charm about the terribleness that makes the film watchable. It is ripe with self-parody, but unfortunately the humor falls pretty flat and is extremely cheesy. In it, the werewolves take to the outback, and a shewolf becomes romantically entwined with a local boy, resulting in some of the strangest and most disturbing fetal werewolf scenes in history. Bad acting, bad costumes, bad dialouge, bad everything, yet infinitely superior to Howling 2. Werewolf fans, you really have no choice but to see it no matter how bad it is, what the hell else are you going to watch, American Werewolf for the 100th time? Rating: 5/10.

The Awful Doctor Orlof (1964): Jess Franco's debut horror film offers a dark Gothic shocker constructed as an amalgamation of many pop culture influences (from Eyes Without A Face to The Blind Dead), but adds its own unique charm. A doctor and his malformed apprentice kidnap women to steal there skin in order to graph it on to his burnt sister. Excellent lighting and mood, depicting the dark side of Paris nightlife. Vernon plays a charming but sinister villain, and the blind Morpho eerily stalks his prey by sound. Recommended classic Spanish horror! Rating: 8/10.

[dragonmanes]

Wendigo (2001): One of the rare occasions where the characters were overdeveloped for what little the plot finally accomplishes. A family has a run in with a hunter after hitting a deer, causing a continued strife that comes to a head with the father is mysteriously shot while sledding. The son calls upon an ancient spirit to exact revenge for his father. The characters are slowly and methodically established, presumably to create a bond between the father and audience when he is shot, but the lack of action leads to a slow build with little payoff. The reveal of the spirit in the end is pretty cool, but it is too little too late. Fessenden does show some directorial skill by adapting many interesting camera techniques (mostly stolen), but in the end this is just an ok flick. 6/10.

Howling 5 (1989): A tame murder mystery set in an abandoned castle turned tourist attraction that is being visited by a group of elitists from around the world that must figure out who amongst them is a werewolf before its too late. Maybe 30s of screen time for the rug/werewolf that you see in glimpses during choppily edited death scenes and generic acting. Very little gore to make up for the standard plot and slow pacing, but the superior set design does make for decent atmosphere, and it does keep you guessing. It isnt great, but it gets a worse wrap than it deserves and probably has the biggest body count in the series. 5/10.

[dragonmanes]

Howling 6 (1991): This is actually a decently executed carnival / werewolf tale of a man trapped into being an attraction in a traveling carnival headed by a sinister vampire. The makeup is very ambitious and original, with full haunches on the wolf and a bald, black skinned vampire unlike any other. The freaks are empathetic and equally well constructed both visually and emotionally. Though the acting may not be great, this sequel stands out in the series and is a worthwhile watch, recommended! 7/10.

Nomads (1986): Im assuming there is something going on in this movie that I have been unaware of after two views, because I just dont get it. A doctor relives a another man's memories after he dies in her arms. In the visions, the professor follows a roving band of punks that he believes live outside of human comprehension, and live without rules. I cant get past the fact that the visions switch from 1st to 3rd perspective when they are supposedly memories, it destroys the illusion and doesnt make sense. The story itself is ok, but follows the mythology of the Innuat legend without giving much insight of the legend to the viewer. It is presumptuous and poorly constructed in my opinion, but the plot is new and original and does offer decent acting and several suspenseful moments. Check it out if not for a single view. Rating: 6/10.

Plaga Zombie - Mutant Zone (2001): Sweet little indie zombie flick that is an absolute must-see for any Evil Dead fan. The film is much bigger in scope and production value than Automaton Transfusion, which shares similar production qualities and budget. A team of misfit heroes battle a plague of zombies after being sentenced to an infected town. Tons of splatter, gore, and humor that transcends the language barrier. Each of the heroes are unique and very funny, and director Pares shows huge potential in his framing and editing techniques. Highly recommended for any B-Movie or zombie fan! 8/10.

[dragonmanes]

House on Haunted Hill (1999): Over stylized garbage horror remake made for the MTV generation. Five strangers are invited to stay the night in an abandoned asylum with the prospect of winning $1M each, if they live through the night! Malone manages to offer style over substance once again, with a few interesting visuals, but no scares and dreadfully forced dialogue. The only thing going for the film are the amazing sets, which is sad considering the above average cast. To top everything off, the film closes with a confusing CG shlockfest to leave the audience dumbfounded. Big pass on this one. 5/10.

[The Hitman]

I actually like House on Haunted Hill. It's crap, but it's entertainingly stupid.

[dragonmanes]

I just cant get into it, I have tried three times and something about it turns me off immediately. I think some of it has to do with the fact that each of the characters seem identical and speak similarly, the worst example being how two of them interject "-fucking-" into their sentences, like "unbe-fucking-lievable." It just isnt that common place to have two people speaking exactly the same, its stupid, I know, but it just drives me nuts. But then, they come through and provide the sequel:

Return to House on Haunted Hill (2007): Defying all logic, this D2DVD sequel is much better than the remake, and is actually a decent watch. Loaded with gore slash hot naked zombies making out, awesome gags, and a brain amputation. Two rival groups return to the haunted hospital to recover a sacred statue that makes ghosts get naked and make out. Most of them die. The dialogue is pretty throwaway and the plot is generic, but it is visually interesting and plenty bloody. It also creates a solid bridge between the previous film and the backstory. I would actually recommend this to anyone for at least a single "turn your brain off" view! 6/10.

Roman (2006): Angela Bettis and Lucky McKee swap roles in this dark character study that serves as a companion piece to the phenomenal May. Roman is a disturbed, quirky welder that envisions himself with the girl next door. When they finally hit it off, something goes terribly wrong, and Roman is sent spinning in a downward spiral within his psyche. McKee seems uncomfortable infront of the camera, but it sells the awkwardness of the character. The films strength lies in its slow and careful character development, and though there arent many scares, the film is definitely disturbing. For a small scale, artsy indie horror entry, this is a a unique and interesting viewing experience, but will not serve the tastes of anyone looking for blood and guts. 7/10.

[dragonmanes]

Werewolves on Wheels (1971): I waited 5 years to see this DVD, and it didnt disappoint. All things considered, this film is better than it should be. Despite the grindhouse plot and zero budget, the production qualities are extremely high and professional. Though there are far more wheels than werewolves, the effects and makeup are reminiscent of Naschy's Hombre Lobo and done very well. This southern gothic tale follows a biker gang that is cursed by a satanic cult after dessicrating their temple, turning them into bloodthirsty biker werewolves! Only recommended if that plot sounds amazing to you. 6/10.

[Sham]

I actually like House on Haunted Hill. It's crap, but it's entertainingly stupid.

I like it, too. The constant bickering between Famke Janssen and Geoffrey Rush just kills me.

"I gave you a goddamn guest list two pages long. Where the hell are they?"
"Shredded. Sorry. Decided to whip up one of my own---a group so hungry for money they'd do anything. I thought you'd be more comfortable with your peers. "