Carl's 5-Minute Horror Reviews

by **dragonmanes** » Wed Mar 11, 2009 2:34 pm

Wishmaster 2 (1999): Formulaic retread on the original plot, but it offers a few inventive deaths and more over the top acting by Divoff. A buglar uncovers the ruby prison containing an evil Djinn, and must face off with him after he has collected 1000 souls to save humanity from enslavement. The acting has dropped off, there are no remarkable cameos, but the makeup and effects work maintain a high level of quality. It is a guilty pleasure and will certainly please fans of the original! 7/10.

by **dragonmanes** » Thu Mar 12, 2009 1:26 am

Otis (2008): Last House on the Left goes to prom! Otis takes a few borrowed ideas and creates an original torture-porn dark comedy. Otis is getting ready for 'prom' with his fifth 'Kim,' but she had better do as she says or he'll tighten her shackles and crank up the electricity! After their daughter escapes her kidnapper, her parents plan their revenge.. Plenty of smart humor and exceptional performances, particularly that of Otis. The film isnt without its flaws, with an annoying FBI agent and struggles with pacing, but for an Indie horror effort it comes highly recommended as one of the best for 2008! 8/10.

by **dragonmanes** » Thu Mar 12, 2009 2:43 pm

The Indestructible Man (1956): It is what it is, a man made monster romp with more of the pulp detective work common in pre-1960s horror. A dead criminal is revived with superhuman strength and resistance after being experimented on post-mortem, escaping and attempting to reclaim his stolen loot, with deadly results! Reminiscent of the Hulk plot, slow pacing, an ok later performance by the fading Lon Chaney Jr.. Also keep in mind, by man made monster I mean just a bullet-proof dude, so dont expect Lou Ferrigno or anything. Id leave this one to the classics buffs. 5/10.

by **dragonmanes** » Fri Mar 13, 2009 3:46 am

R-Point (2004): Good Warror entry pitting a Korean army search and rescue team against an unseen enemy and themselves. Brace yourself for a slow ride, but the film takes its time in establishing the integrity of the characters and slowly increasing the psychological terror as the troop is visited by the ghosts of fallen soldiers. Very similar in structure to Session 9 or The Bunker, built on subtle scares and not blood and guts. Not for everyone, but a good watch. 7/10.

Cyclone (1978): This disaster flick starts off with an amazing effects sequence, then drops off dramatically into a mundane 'stranded at sea' survival theme that really stretches 2hrs. Suvivors of a separate plane and boat wreck struggle to survive with no water or food.. Until people start dying! We get some subtle cannibalism and a killer shark feeding frenzy, but outside of that expect a slow draw. For a disaster film, it functions pretty well, but horror wise it is probably passable unless you find dehydration and starvation terrifying. 6/10*.

*Be sure to check out the awesome cover art on the VCI release, ranks high on my list of coolest DVD covers!

by **dragonmanes** » Sat Mar 14, 2009 3:50 pm

The Gore Gore Girls (1972): Outside of a few scenes of typical over the top HG Lewis gore, this flick has little to offer anyone. The pacing is hampered by 5m stripteases which might suit a bad porno perfectly, but serve little purpose when they could have just been implied or shortened. Lewis doesnt disappoint, giving us the usual corny acting and garbage dialogue, but if you stick it out, youll be rewarded with those golden nuggets of gore that make it all seem worth it. Strippers begin dropping off at the hands of a gloved killer, and its up to a private eye to stop them! If youre new to HG Lewis, drop this lower on the priorities list and check out the Blood Trilogy and the Wizard of Gore first. Rating: 4/10. Gore: 8/10.

by **dragonmanes** » Sat Mar 14, 2009 4:01 pm

Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers (1988): Intentionally terrible Pulp magazine spoof involving a detective tracking down a cult of Egyptian blood-cultist hookers that have been making sacrifices via chainsaw. Dreadful acting, ridiculous over the top gore, Gunnar Hansen and Linnea Quigley, whats not to love? The film is actually has very smart and witty writing despite the cheeseball plot and micro-budget. Good for a laugh and very much in the vein of Street Trash, recommended for you B-Movie lovers out there! Rating: 6/10. Entertainment: 8/10.

by **dragonmanes** » Sat Mar 14, 2009 7:11 pm

Koma (2004): Decently executed slasher out of China, with a visual style that reflects Argento's Tenebrae. A woman with disfunctional kidneys is stalked by a maniac that has been stealing kidneys for the black market, while she battles emotionally with her boyfriend's mistress. There are a few scenes that offer reasonable tension, and a little blood, but the biggest strength of the film lies in the character development of the two female leads. Nothing really new or unique, but it makes for an ok watch. 7/10.

by **dragonmanes** » Sat Mar 14, 2009 7:22 pm

Little Shop of Horrors (1986): The musical format perfectly suits this film, and allows the audience to suspend disbelief despite the outrageously over the top acting and plot. A poor plant keeper finds love and success after nursing a rare carnivorous plant back to health, but the plant soon begins demanding more than just blood to survive.. Catchy music numbers, simple but engaging plot, and awesome puppetry used for the Audrey II plant. Fun horror comedy for anyone that can accept the musical format! 8/10.

by **dragonmanes** » Sat Mar 14, 2009 11:19 pm

Sisters (1973): Excellent early De Palma entry that unmistakingly draws from several Hitchcock inspirations, ranging from score to stylistic devices. Margot Kidder offers a commanding performance as the mentally distraut Danielle, and De Palma introduces unique visual tools like split screen and binocular vision to prove his skills dont stop at cheap immitation. A journalist tracks one of two twin sisters after witnessing a murder from her apartment, only to become wrapped in their twisted psychosis. Highly recommended, especially for Hitchcock fans. 9/10.

by **dragonmanes** » Sun Mar 15, 2009 4:21 pm

Alone in the Dark (2005): Its clear not 2m into the film that youre in for a SciFi Channel Original level snore fest, with the combined acting prowesses of Christian Slater and Tara Reid cementing the fact that the film is going to be terrible. I went in assuming people had unjustly underrated the film after Boll's HotD, but there really is little going for it. In it, an ex-FBI special ops agent and an archeologist must stop an encrouching race of alien (?) beings that can displace light and electricity. Boredom ensues. The plot and acting are both by the books, and though Boll does make valid attempts at adding unique shots (zooming into a gun barrel as the shot is fired, watching the next round reload, then trailing it through the target), much of the film could have been directed by any movie buff that has taken enough notes from successful films (Alien, Aliens, Terminator), which have had a not-so-subtle impact on Boll's work. For a SciFi Channel Original, this would have been better than average, however as a theatrical feature, it slides by with a low D on almost every level. 5/10.

Luther the Geek (1990): Utterly strange tale of a kid that witnesses a geek biting off the head of a chicken, which scars him for life and causes him to bawk like a chicken and bite peoples throats out with his custom razor dentures. Outside of the excessive gore and throat tearing (which is awesome), the film builds genuine suspense with some of the edits and camera positions, similar to the camera work in Mute Witness. Relatively simple plot but unique and effective. The biggest area for improvement in this one would have to be the pacing, which takes a dive after the first half hour. Overall, worth at least a single view for something completely off the wall! 7/10.

by **dragonmanes** » Sun Mar 15, 2009 7:35 pm

Memento Mori (1999): This sequel to Whispering corridors blends the subtlety of Let the Right One In, the grace of A Tale of Two Sisters, and the lesbianic obsession of High Tension in an artistically lensed girls school chiller. A student finds the diary of two secret lovers, and becomes obsessed with their relationship when one takes a long dive off a short building. Soon after, the dead girl's tormentors begin falling prey to her ghost. Its refreshing to get an asian ghost movie without a pale-faced, long black-haired ghost for a change, and this film will not fail to please any asian horror or haunting fan. Probably the best in asian horror I have seen since A Tale of Two Sisters. 8/10.

by **dragonmanes** » Sun Mar 15, 2009 8:25 pm

The Phatom of the Opera (1925): A mysterious figure kidnaps an opera singer and proposes to coach her into taking the lead role in the opera as a means of winning her love, but when she learns of his disfigurement, she attempts to escape his grasp. The production designs and makeup work are both amazing for the time, with the opera set still being one of the largest studio sets ever built. Erik is both empathetic and terrifying at the same time as the elusive phantom, and Chaney remains the definitive face of the character nearly a century later. Most of the violence is implied off camera, so dont expect a lot of action, but the film is still very good, though it may not suit the tastes of modern horror fans. 9/10.

by **dragonmanes** » Mon Mar 16, 2009 2:37 pm

One Dark Night (1983): Weird little film where a girl enters a mausoleum for an initiation, when a telepathetic corpse starts trouble, causing stiff mannequins that sort of resemble corpses to akwardly float around, but not really do anything. The FX are pretty cheesy but they made a valid effort. The movie doesnt get going for about 1hr, but after that it maintains a decent pace. As the movie approaches its climax, the music, lighting, and atmosphere actually contribute to an erie mood. If you can get through the first hour, the ridiculous cheesefest makes for a little fun, but as a whole the film is entirely passable.

Rating: 5/10.

**Note: This is one of two films released in 1983 under the title Mausoleum, although this one ended up dropping the title in place of One Dark Night. The other Mausoleum is quite possibly terribler, with even WORSE effects and acting, and no Meg Tilly.

by **dragonmanes** » Tue Mar 17, 2009 2:51 am

Mountaintop Motel Massacre (1983): More like "Some Crazy Old Bitch Kills Everyone At Her Shitty Motel, Only Its About As Bloody As Punky Brewster. It Also Takes Place On A Mountain." Stupid, boring slasher that couldnt be more conventional unless it had a holiday in the title. I wish I could give the director enough credit to say the MPAA edited the gore out, but even with some more of the red stuff this flick is still garbage. Avoid. 4/10.

I Drink Your Blood (1970): Classic grindhouse fun for the whole family! A boy gives meat pies tainted with rabies to a group of satanic hippies out of revenge for his grafather. A rapid hippie murder spree ensues. Plenty of bloody gags, and an off the wall plot you could have only gotten away with in the 70s. The flick is entirely cheesy, but its the "Damn, that was fun" cheesy and not the "Holy crap, I cant believe I wasted my time with this" cheesy. Liked it much more on each consecutive watch through, definitely worth checking out! 7/10.

by **dragonmanes** » Wed Mar 18, 2009 3:43 am

Zombie Honeymoon (2004): An interesting metaphor for the pain of losing someone to cancer or any other disease. A wife is caught between killing her zombified husband or condoning his cannibalistic tendencies as he continues to transgress into a mindless killer. A smart and original zombie entry, with decent effects, acting, and dialouge for an indie flick. Recommended as a refreshing change of pace that is story based and not an excuse for gore. 7/10.

Innocent Blood (1992): Unsuccessfully tries to marry the vampire film with an organized crime film. A vampiress mistakingly turns an Italian crimelord, and he uses his new powers to try to take over the city with a mob family of draculas. Landis fails to recreate the smart, dark comedy of 'Werewolf,' and we're left with an average vampire tale with one or two decent effects in an otherwise uneventful film. It isnt bad, it just isnt that good. 6/10.

Mother's Day (1980): Another cheesy 80s slasher in the vein of Motel Hell. Three girls are kidnapped and tortured by the dullard sons of a deranged mother on their isolated house in the woods. Whats interesting is the familys motivation to train to hunt and kill incase the mom's (assumingly) more insane sister comes to attack them, leading to bizarre scenes and performances. Theres scattered gore, but go in expecting a dumb trashy slasher with dark comic roots and you wont be disappointed! 6/10.