Carl's 5-Minute Horror Reviews

[dragonmanes]

American Psycho (2000): The gross mismarketing of this brilliant film led many genre fanatics astray, portraying it as just another cheap slasher. Really, American Psycho accentuates Ellis' smart and biting social commentary with the added effect of Christian Bale in his single greatest and most defining role. Humor has never been darker; Horror has never been smarter. The plot follows an 80s yuppie suffocated by the burden of status and surface level humanity, whose calm demeanor begins to snap as his psychotic inner being struggles to differentiate itself in a society where one is only defined by the material. The film is left intentionally ambiguous as to whether or not Bateman is slowly losing his sanity or actually murdering those around him, which leaves much to be interpreted and begs revisiting. Many of the strengths of the film lie in the details, like Bale's subtle nuances, and small but clever set pieces and props that accentuate the theme. American Psycho will have a lasting effect on the genre and film in general, and is a work that is sure to inspire many thesis papers and film studies. 10/10.

American Psycho (2002): This followup is much better than anyone will lead you to believe (though that still isnt saying much). An escapee from Bateman's reign of terror begins knocking off her college rivals to secure her place at the top of the class. The film retains much of the same tone and humor taken a bit lighter, the deaths are interesting and frequent, and Mila plays the role with the right amount of humor and terror when needed. Consider it the Dawsons Creek of American Psycho. Granted, even with a similar tone, it doesnt even come close to retaining the same level of wit or social commentary, but it serves as a fun if not cheap college slasher. The filming also lacks the style and sophistication of the original, with a made-for-TV look and feel. Dont go in expecting the same results as the first film and you will be much better off. I recommend it, so if you dont like it take it as a knock against my credibility! 6/10.

An American Werewolf in Paris (1997): Stupid, cheesy followup to one of the greatest horror films of our generation. The amazing effects of the original are ditched for lackluster computerized effects, which allow the quadrupeds a little more freedom of movement limited by the makeup of the first, but ultimately weakens the believability and visual impact. This was probably the right move during the cutting edge of CGI in film, but the FX range from decent to extremely cartoony and just dont hold up. The characters and humor have been dumbed down for the MTV generation, replacing sharp wit with cheap laughs and slapstick comedy. Everett is a goofy fuck, and is in no way a suitable stand in for David Naughton. Regardless of the many flaws, the pace moves along quickly and it serves as a (very) guilty pleasure. A group of American teens must stop a cult of lycanthropic zealots bent on world domination in Paris. 6/10.

Werewolf in a Girl's Dormitory (1961): A girls school is plagued by a series of murders after a charming new professor starts teaching, but the wounds appear to be caused by a large animal.. Who or what is the killer? For a no-budget sleeper, the film is better than expected, with decent filming, a few excellent exteriors capturing beautiful contrasts in B+W, and simple but effective make-up. There are some pacing issues that cause the film to crawl at times, but it keeps the audience guessing until the end. After watching many terrible public domain bores, I always expect the worst, but this is actually a decent little film even with its standard B-movie plot and average acting. 6/10.

[dragonmanes]

Dagon (2000): This is Stuart Gordon at his absolute best, taking a minuscule budget and producing an outstanding and surreal world out of it. Dagon is a Lovecraft adaptation involving a couple whos boat is marooned on a mysterious island inhabited by strange malformed hedonists that worship Dagon, a god of the sea. The denizens of the town dont take kindly to intruders, and the couple battle to survive against the half-men / half-fish. The setting of Imboca is amazing, setting a brooding mood and atmosphere in a ramshackle town that lives under a never-ending rain cloud. Gordon incorporates deep blue tones and filters along with the constant use of water, which emphasize the importance of the ocean in the film. To reduce costs, the movie was filmed in Spain, with a predominantly Spanish cast, which gives it an authentic and unsettling feeling as compared to a town of Americans with terrible Spanish accents. On top of everything else, the FX work in the film is stunning, offering an amalgamation of different fishmen ranging from subtle webbed fingers to a woman with octopus tentacles for legs to various incarnations in between. The mobs that chase the couple make chilling calls similar to those of the velociraptors in Jurassic Park as they hunt their prey, which combined with the dark setting and claustrophic alley ways of the town makes for suspenseful and frightening chase sequences. Ezra Godden also plays a loveable geek, and though he isnt the best actor, he is excellent in the role and lends credibility to the situation. I hate to compare it to a video game, but Dagon offers the look and feel of Resident Evil 4 in a tight script and beautiful setting. I cant recommend this film enough, it ranks in my Top Ten Underrated Films. 9/10.

Amusement (2008): Conventional slasher that suffers from style over substance. The sets and directing are far superior to the plot, which lacks a voice and identity as it jumps between three story and timelines without deciding if it is a slasher, a revenge flick, or torture porn. The acting carries the flick well enough, but the killer can be completely over the top at times. There are a few attempts at suspense and gore, but it ultimately fails to gross out or scare. It also fails to give any insight as to how or why the killer can create such intricate traps a la Saw, or why he is killing to begin with (minus a brief flashback). The film just doesnt succeed on any more than a visual staindpoint. A trio of friends are stalked by a mysterious figure from their past in a clown outfit. 6/10.

30 Days of Night (2008): Things I learned about Alaska: Draculas live there, 30 days seem to take place in 1 day, vampires give speeches every time they kill people, its better to kill yourself and your family than try to survive, and characters are all one-sided. It is stylishly shot, the vampires are unique and more menacing than ever, and the acting is good (particularly the vamps), but there is just no point in which the film generates any remote level of suspense or believability. The imagery with the pale-faced vampires contrasted against the jet-black skies make for memorable scenes, and their screeching, Eastern inflections, and designs differentiate them in the genre. The problem is, we know vampires are going to bite you in the neck, and we know thats all they are going to do. Outside of giving monologues, the creatures in this flick are no different. It is extremely bloody, and even though I dont particularly like the film, I can see why many do. I find it to be boring, pretentious, and completely overrated, but this is coming from a guy that desperately hates vampire films. Vamp fans will probably find a lot to like, and I did enjoy it more on the second watch through, so its worth checking out. 8/10.

Them (2006): Home invasion has never been scarier. Them offers a gritty, suspenseful, and terrifying tale of a husband and wife being stalked in their isolated home by unseen assailants. The film relies on sound, close settings, and anxiety to drive the audience to the edge of their seats. Much like the similarly themed The Strangers, there is very little violence or gore for most of the movie, so the filmmakers must rely on the universal fears of the dark, the unseen, and invasion of privacy to scare the audience. It manages to tap into the idea that the events could happen to anyone, and does not compromise its integrity by having the characters do anything out of the ordinary. At just over 70m, it is a short runtime, but it is extremely fast-paced, and does not attempt to add filler just to meet a feature length. Highly recommended, crank the volume up and the lights down! 8/10.

Brotherhood of Satan (1970): Surprising little Satanic flick about a family that is trapped in a town where the locals are being killed and the kids are disappearing. There is some sinister plot beneath the calm rural setting, but who is behind it and what do they want with the kids? Expect a very slow build, but the film is kept interesting with the inclusion of several interesting deaths and a slow reveal of the details behind the disappearances. The acting is pretty standard, and the film isnt elaborate in any way, but the simplicity of it sells the believability since it never becomes too over the top. The climax of the film offers memorable visuals and an ending that is left completely open to interpretation. I wouldnt say this is a great film, but it held my attention and was entertaining, so I say check it out! 7/10.

Alien Raiders (2008): Indie hybrid of Intruder and The Thing that takes on the same level of fear and paranoia on a much smaller scale. A terrorist group seizes hostages in a small grocery store, claiming to be hunting humans hosting alien lifeforms. This is an excellent example of a low-budget, high production value release that is able to effectively build suspense with minimal on screen violence and gore. The familiar grocery setting becomes a dark and foreboding prison using clever lighting and framing techniques. The film feels claustrophobic and confined, but at the same time it takes full advantage of every inch of the store to provide new and interesting shots within the single location. Each of the actors provide solid performances, and despite its title, the film never trips into the pitfalls of most SciFi Channel originals of the same theme and budget. The FX also stand up to any major studio release, and the scares never feel forced. The film draws heavily from The Thing and other inspirations within the genre, but still has many original offerings and comes recommended! 8/10.

Ants! (1977): When it comes to animal attack horror flicks in the post-Jaws 70s and 80s, I always set the bar low and hope for a good time. While Ants! wasnt a complete waste, it just never picked up momentum or built any suspense. A lakeside hotel is overrun by poisonous ants. People die, then get revenge in a global anticide. The awesome: watching people pretend to be terrified of ants while playing it completely straight. The terrible: watching a movie where the villains are ants while always expecting something more to happen than ants walking around, only to be let down. There are top-billed names in the cast, the acting is above average for a made-for-TV film, and the filming and editing made the film visually interesting, but not enough so to make up for the stretch of a plot. If the film would have ended at the hour mark, I would have given it a 6, but the extended hotel escape sequence that fills the final half hour KILLS the pacing. I say pass unless you are a huge killer bug fan. 5/10.

Curse of the Puppet Master (1997): A strange thing happened in the late 90s. Full Moon saw the height of their success with films liek Trancers, Castle Freak, Demonic Toys, and particularly the Puppet Master series. Yet, the more profitable the company became, the shittier the films got. Enter: Curse of the Puppet Master. The film is utterly boring and redundant after seeing the other films. If the name hadnt been attached, it would be long forgotten by now. The acting, puppetry,and technical aspects of the film all fall well below the other entries in the series. The plot attempts something new, having a hack sideshow operator enlist the help of a gifted carver to attempt to make a human puppet using Toulons secrets to give it life, but the idea is never realized and the attempted effects at the gears in the 'puppet' are laughable. The film is the bloodiest of them all, but it goes to show that blood and gore dont make a film. Only for Puppet Master completists. 4/10.

Ted Bundy (2002): Extremely brutal and disturbing Docudrama horror entry that hits really home. The film accurately follows Bundy's progression through his early days as a petty thief through his murderous rampage. The low-budget, gritty filmmaking gives it an unsettling realism, and some of the most frightening moments are either implied with devastating effect or portrayed in the intimate moments between him and his long time girlfriend, where he assaults her mentally and physically. This is not a trashy Lommel cash-in on the name recognition, it is a terrifying character study that will cause any viewer to suspect even the most unassuming neighbor. Burke is absolutely convincing in the role, taking it from charming and classy to deathly terrifying. Another highly recommended film that is often overlooked, try to check it out if you get the chance! 8/10.

Alone in the Dark (1982): A group of psychotics descend on the house of their new doctor and his family after convincing themselves he killed their old doctor and escaping the mental institute. AITD is a highly underrated and undermentioned slasher that offers excellent performances (including Donald Pleasance, Jack Palance, and Martin Landau!), an original plot, and many chilling scenes. The audience can readily empathize with the killers while fearing them, owing as much to the heavies as to the writing behind them. The scale is very small, with only a few select settings, but they are well crafted and create a sense of isolation and hopelessness. On top of that, the score is very subtle but extremely unsettling. There are some pacing issues, but they dont impede the film much. Favorite scene: Dr. Potter calls out to the psychotics, and the camera pans around the dimly lit swing set creaking in the dark, then to the empty trees, with the villains hidden off-screen. Highly recommended as one of New Line's earliest and strongest entries in the genre! 8/10.

[The Hitman]

30 Days of Night (2008): Things I learned about Alaska: Draculas live there, 30 days seem to take place in 1 day, vampires give speeches every time they kill people, its better to kill yourself and your family than try to survive, and characters are all one-sided. It is stylishly shot, the vampires are unique and more menacing than ever, and the acting is good (particularly the vamps), but there is just no point in which the film generates any remote level of suspense or believability. The imagery with the pale-faced vampires contrasted against the jet-black skies make for memorable scenes, and their screeching, Eastern inflections, and designs differentiate them in the genre. The problem is, we know vampires are going to bite you in the neck, and we know thats all they are going to do. Outside of giving monologues, the creatures in this flick are no different. It is extremely bloody, and even though I dont particularly like the film, I can see why many do. I find it to be boring, pretentious, and completely overrated, but this is coming from a guy that desperately hates vampire films. Vamp fans will probably find a lot to like, and I did enjoy it more on the second watch through, so its worth checking out. 8/10.

I still think you need to re-evaluate your rating system. I see an 8/10, I think it's a definite "see" - if not a "must-see" - but reading your words it sounds more like a "meh." Which I think would be like a 6/10.

Even using your previous statements, this would be a "B" film - and apparently "B" is for "boring"?

[dragonmanes]

With 30 Days, I just cant decide if I dont like the film because of my personal prejudices or if it really is a bore. Visually, I think it was handled excellently, and it is very brutal, but I typically check out on vampire flicks, so I rated it higher based on the filmmaking. Of all the reviews I have done, I comlpetely agree that is easily the most questionable rating!

Night of the Demons (1988): Night of the Demons is one of the films that completely embodies 80s horror. From the cheesy jokes and dialogue to the frantic, fast-paced electronic score, the film screams big hair bands and legwarmers. Kevin Tenney implores terrifying make-up, excellent lighting and set design, and a combination of high and low angles along with both fast and slow motion to create a heightened level of fear and tension throughout the entire second half of the film. The plot is derivative of many haunted house films from the past, but the film differentiates itself by giving the characters a young, modern appeal and making the monsters more menacing than ever before. What the film lacks in acting and originality, it more than makes up for in fun and entertainment, making this a must-see 80s flick for all horror fans! 8/10.

The Descent (2005): Neil Marshall comes through for English horror again with the best genre film of 2005! A group of friends enter an uncharted cave, but after a collapse, they are forced to struggle through the serpentine passageways to find daylight. Too bad they arent alone.. The craftsmanship implored in the careful writing and making of this film is unmatched in recent horror, and Marshall is able to make the first half of the film (completely devoid of monsters) even more terrifying than the climax. Gut-wrenching scenes of claustrophobic cave crawling, the unseen in the dark, and protruding bones are just a few of the universal fears that are tapped into, creating an immediate emotional bond between the characters and the audience. The women may not be given complete backstories, but what works is that they are portrayed as real people. In what situation in real life are we given flashbacks or do we commonly reveal our personal histories in our daily dialogue? Rather, Marshall has written distinct cadences and personalities that distinguish a group of individuals rather than a group of talking heads.

Then, there are the monsters. By the time the cave dwellers enter the film, it is already established as a terrifying and successful feature, but the viscious Gollum-like monsters in the film heighten the tension and fear to a whole nother level. Though I typically despise surprise scares, Marshall has perfectly timed reveals for the creatures to scare the piss out of the audience. Though humanoid, they have regressed into bat like creatures hunting by sound, which makes for creepy visuals and allows the characters a plausible advantage in attempting to fight them off and escape. As the title implies, the film is not just a descent into the cave, as a surface level reading might suggest, but also a descent into madness for several of the characters, pushed to the brink of sanity at the thought of being trapped and having to fight for their lives against the impending foes. Our lead heroine, Sarah, takes control and makes a fighting effort, leading to tons of monster bloodshed which are handled with fantastic FX and gore.

I can sing the praises of The Descent all day, Marshall has succeeded on so many levels and proven himself as a modern master of horror. Must-see, must-own for any rightful horror fan! 10/10.

Night of the Demons 2 (1994): Despite what I remember, this was actually an entertaining and decent sequel, although the plot is a complete retread of the original. Angela's sister is tricked into going to Hull House with a new batch of teens for a Halloween party, only to have the demons reawakened for more ghoulish fun! The make-up FX are easily on par with the original, making for more terrifying scenes with just the ugliest demons you have ever seen. Of particular note is the snake demon Angela transforms into in the closing scene, which is absolutely amazing and rivals the Freddy snake in Nightmare 3. The plot is thin, acting and dialogue are bland, but the film is very fun and moves along at a quick pace. Fans of the original will not be disappointed, check it out! 7/10.

Fright Night (1985): There is no denying that Fright Night is an all-time classic. The combined acting efforts of Roddy McDowell, William Ragsdale, Chris Sarandon, and the always fun Stephen Geoffreys make for a clever, fun, hilarious, but equally chilling film. A teen discovers his neighbor is a vampire, and must convince his friends and the local horror host to help him destroy the fiend. Each of the players find their own voice and are convincing in the respective roles, creating memorable characters like Geoffreys Evil Ed and Sarandon's vampire Jerry. The film also implores fantastic make-up FX, with a little werewolf action and some of the creepiest vampire designs on film. It also effectively brings the horror home and leads the audience to believe that the events could occur in any small town. For a smart Horror / Comedy, Fright Night is a step above the rest and comes highly recommended! 9/10.

The Signal (2007): This indie horror effort may have fallen through the cracks, but anyone reading this must pick up the film immediately. The Signal is extremely smart and clever, playing off of paranoia, dillusion, and madness but done so with a biting dark humor that is as funny as it is chilling. The combination of writing and perfectly adapted acting lends credibility to the absolute insanity being displayed on screen. The film is told in a series of three vignettes, but follows the story of a town gone crazy as the result of a broadcast signal that distorts perception and reality. A woman's husband and lover battle through a city of madmen to get to her, one out of love and one out for revenge. Packed with plenty of violence and gore, the film functions both as a psychological thriller and a straight horror film. The digital video filming also gives it a gritty reality, and despite the reduced budget, the desolate streets and filming locations give the film a HUGE scope and earned believability. This is one of the best films to come out of 2007, I highly recommend finding a copy today! 9/10.